96 ELENA MACHADO SAEZ

and her inability to define herself as a result: "I guess I'm not so sure
what I should be fighting for anymore. Without confines, I'm damn near
reasonable. That's something I never wanted to become" (198). While
Pilar feels she is almost complicit with the market's mainstreaming,
she also sees potential in the role of commodities. Feeling that
"something's dried up" in her, Pilar seeks fulfillment through the botdnica
and its wares, reconnecting to Cuba by means of its cultural representa-
tion. These objects, be they mass produced, make more sense to Pilar
than more abstract forms of worship (199). In spite of Pilar's valuation
of the market's ability to provide access to Cuban culture, there remains
a tension over whether this access is to the "really authentic" or an illu-
sion. A questionable access to authentic Cuban origins through com-
modities accentuates Pilar's longing. After her use of the bot6nica goods,
Pilar decides to reinitiate her return to Cuba and to her grandmother,
Celia. Pilar travels to Cuba in hopes of resolving the nostalgia that these
Cuban cultural products cannot ultimately satiate.
 At thirteen years old, Pilar already felt the desire to journey to Cuba:
"Our house is on a cement plot near the East River. At night...I hear the
low whistles of the ships as they leave New York harbor...They travel
south...and head out to the Atlantic...When I hear the whistles, I want
to go with them" (30-31). Pilar's final return to the Caribbean, to Cuba,
carries with it the baggage of her nostalgia and her mission as the
family's historical recorder. The U.S. "doesn't feel like home to" Pilar,
and as a result, she nostalgically identifies Cuba as the space that will
localize her and give her the definition she is lacking, the definition of
home. Will travel then enable Pilar to also record an alternate version
of history by providing her with access to her family and their Cuban
memories? Certainly, Pilar begins accumulating the stories of her fam-
ily members once she arrives on the island, interviewing Ivanito,
Felicia's friend Herminia, and Celia (231). In fact, this is probably why
much of the criticism on Dreaming in Cuban insists that Pilar is also
the fictional author of the novel.3 Nevertheless, there are voices Pilar
does not have access to, like those of Luz and Milagro, Felicia's daugh-
ters, whose stories Cristina Garcia does include in her novel. The nar-
rative thus emphasizes Pilar's inability to fulfill the mission Celia be-
stows upon her. The incomplete nature of the memories Pilar obtains


 :1 See for example, Isabel Alvarez Borland's article, "Displacements and
Autobiography in Cuban-American Fiction," who argues that the novel is Pilar's
diary.