He. AD AE i WTA ih ay a WT a See AG —S< ys i Dp = ii | ES Bi SUM OV OUR LL an ME.” g IN DE V4 PREFACE TO SECOND EDITION. : VVVV hee oe The’ manuscript of this interesting littla book wes found on the Bowary in New York, Auguet 80, 1694, a The damand for tha first edition of. a half saillion copies A ae 50 great the publishers foul Cay nse to rarunerata the ; ‘ganius who wrote it, Wea therefore nifar one hundred dolers s in ‘gold to _tha youngster og pan substantiate als claim ta e ita authorship, : ‘ CaN eee y THE PUBLISHERS, “BILL AN’ ME.” “r : loG NNYBODY who went to de World’s Fair won’t forgit itin a hurry. +. I’m one. Bill Bossit he’s anuder. Bill an’ me went togedder. Bill’s fader he’s a porter on.one ov de Pulman tranes wot runs to Chicago, an’ he got Bill an’ mea free pass on* eI Ro de rode. I don’t no ware he got itan’Idon’t -» care. Mebbe de man wasn’t lookin’ wen he tuk it. But Bill an’ me we got on de trane an tuk a 3 feedin’ bottle wid us full ov rye wiskey. Bill he got @)WN\ yA de fust drink an’ i had to go thirsty. Dere was anaw- piares Ry A) ful lot ov fellers wid bottles on de trane, but wun z VS man in frunt ov us he had a little bottle full ov white powder an’ he got sum ice water wunce or twice an’ put some ov the stuff in, an’ it biled up just like a gin-fizz. He sed it kept hed-ake away. Wen we got ter Chicago - Bill an’ me had a wash an’ made a bee-line fer de Fair ’ grounds. Sich crowds I never did see. We ast ware de mostest fun was, an’ one ov dem fellers dey calls Colum- bus’s Gards he sez, sez he: “‘ Youse fellers want tergotode / / eT Midway Plaisance over dere!’’? ‘‘Anythink in it?’’ ast it Bill. “Bet yure sweetlife,’’ sed de Gard, just as nateral as if he warn’t \ a forriner. Sumboddy sed he warn’t a forriner neether. We went in a place an’ had sum beer fust, an’ dere was a feller inside wot had just cum ack from a sale on de laik, an’ he was sikker n’ a dog from C-sikness. His pal had sum ov de stuff wot * de feller had on de trane, an’ wen he tuk a dose ov it, the sik chap /f\ kinder braced up, an’ helarfedan’ wanted to set ’em up for de hole house. We let him du it. Wel, de fust place we went in- wot dey call “ Old Vien- an imitation ov de capital lukked very well, better, de people wot was lukk’n whizz! De names ov de ~ an’ nearly all ov de at- man, but it was an elly- de prittiest gals I ever out ov de quante lukkin’ so bad while we was in ded away. Dey sed ‘it an’ as soon as she cum was wid her, she'puld out sune awl rite agen after. ” ter on de Midway was na,’’.an’ dey sed it-was am ov Ostria in Yurope. It hs in fact, den menny ov | atit. Sich crowds! Gee places broke me all up; tendants dey spoke jer- gant show, an’ sum ov see were goin’ in an’- bildins. Der crush was dat a yung lady fainted was nervus excitement, two, anuder lady wot a bottle ov dat same gin-fizz stuff, an’ mixt up a dose for her frend. We tuk notis dat she was w To ennyboddy who thawt that Ireland was chefely noted fer its pollytishuns.an’ per- leecemen, ‘de Irish Villige was a revylashun, an’ 'sum people’ sed it warn’t Irish at awl, cos dere was never enny fitin’ goin’ on dere. But dere. was sum swete-lukkin’ ‘‘colleens,”’ dey cawld ’em, makin’ the butifullest lace an’ linen you ever did see. An’ den dere was de Blarney Stone, ~ wot fellers kiss wen \ dey want ter lie suksessful- ly to dere best gals. Ikissedit. So did Bill. It was de coldest kiss I-ever had, an’ I woodnt giv 2 sents a duzzen fer’em. Neether wud Bill. Wun ov de gals wot was makin’ de lace had de newralagy thet bad she didn’t “no ware she was, an’ I saw her tek sum ov that gin-fizz powder, an’ git well quiker n’er a wink. s E ‘Strete ov Kiro,’’ wich dey spell C-A-I-R-O, but I don’t no wy, was a dandy spot an’ no-diskownt. It is de boss , sity ov Egypt, an’ was stud on de banks ov de Nile before dey fetched it here fer fokes ter luk at. Egypshuns don’t hussle like Yankees dew, an thare idees ain’t quite so noo. - Neether is thare wimin so fresh as ours, but dey hav niser kompleckshuns an’ use more ov it den - laidies-in dis kun- try. But sumhow, bote de Egypshun men an’ wimin in _de strete ov. Kiro hed cort, on ter Yankey ways wen : we was dere. Dey were just as subjec to hed-akes as Amerikans, only more so, an’ dey all seamed to hav de same kind ov a kure—dat little blew bottle ov white ““gin-fizz’”’ powder. Bill Bossit, he’s half-jerman, an’ de oder half ov him is lodutch. Wen we got ter de Jerman Villige he saw so menny pritty frauleins he dida’t wantter cum away. He sed it was just like home to him, but he never was nearer Jermany den Noo York, only he has a kuzen jerman, an’ once had sum holland winder shades at his lojins. The Jerman Villige is a picteresk moddle ov a Tootonik hamlet. We got so tootonik ourselves dat we had to, take a tonik too. It was age, Lager. Bill he got fullern’ a gote, an’ was reel sik to his Mies stummik. Hesed he had an inserreksshun in his inside, an’ <%} re a feller wid a long pipe gev him a dose ov the fizzin’ stuff St) ‘= out ov his own blew bottle. He sed it wood settle his stum- BAW ES mik. Wel, it did settle Bill’s stummik so quick we wisht it Fj wud settle our uther bills ike- wise. De nawsea left him, ‘ an’ he sed all he wanted was a gud blow in de open are. I sed, “Awl rite, cum outside an’ [ll punch yer noz,”’ but Bill he sed that-warn’t de kinder blow he ment. A little kid wid a hairy dg— git a ride on de Ferris wheel, ~ wud be de best chantz Bill an’ ov gittin’ neer heven, so we a peace an sot in de car. Gee we started movin’ Bill an’ me m\ cap told us to iy an’ I thawt it me’d ever hav pade fifty sents whizz! De minit . waS sorry we at de top, dat he cud see de hole ov de United Staits, but I gess he lied. We both got as dizzy as spinnin’ tops, an’ I felt as if thare was a three-ring sirkus in myhed. I kep my ise open as long’s I dared, but we we got nere.de top, an’ it seemed like ridin’ threw nowhare on nothin’, I jest shet my ise tite, an’ brethed hard. It warn’t long afore de big wheel got round to de erth agen an’ we got out, but I staggered like a bote-horse, an’ jest wanted ter lay down ‘sum- ; == ware an’ let my hed git levil agen. Jest den, up cums a gud samariten an’? he séz to me, sez he, ‘‘Feel bad?’’ sez he. ‘‘ Yew bet,” sez I, “I don’t no wether I’m standin’ on my hed or on my heels.” ‘‘ Wate till I mix. yew a dose,” sez he. So he gits a tumbler ov water’n a tea spoon, an’ pulls out ov his poket a little blew bottle. . Out cums de effervessin’ powder. ‘‘Grate Scot!” sez I, ‘‘that stuff ’s awl over de world, it seams!’ ‘So it orter be,” sez he. Wel, sir, I tuk de glass in my hand, an’ he put in a heapin’ spoonful ov de stuff an’ it » sizzled away in grate shape. ‘Drink it orf!’ sez he, an’ I downed it wid my ise klosed, same’s if ’twar fizzik. Den I likt my lips an’ didn’t wunder everyboddy used der stuff. It was nice tastin’, but I soon felt its gud 8 . -hadn’t staid on de erth. Bill sed wen we was Mi oom effeks on my hed. It kleered de kobwebs away in a few minits an’ I felt as spry asever. But fergot to ask de man wot de stuff was. Anoder day we went inter de Turkish Quarter ter see de sites. Bill an’ me had ter larf at de Turks. Dere de lasiest cusses yew ever see, an’ dere cheef bizness is smokin an’ makin’ salams, wich is wot dey call makin’ a kertsey to: der grownd wid dere long arms. Awl de wimin has dare faces kuvver’d awl over,exsept de ise, jest like hosses wot shies to wun side. Sum sez it is dun to prevent frekkles, an’ sum sez its dun to prevent dudes mashin’ ‘’em—de wimin, not de frekkles. De averige Turkeyman is jenerally verry much marrid. At enny rate he has enuf ov wives tew sho fer it. Dey call thare rume de ‘‘harem,’’ an’ de wimin we saw lukt a harum-skarum lot. If awl his wives are al- owed tew chatter at wunse, I gess de poor Turk offen nedes sum ov dat hed-ake stuff. Too aver- ige wimin kan tork a man intew a nerly grave, so de Lord noze wot ten or a duzzen kin dew wid a Sate Zi feller. Stil,sum ov de Turkey wimin was so shape- —g ly, an’ thare ise shined so britely threw thare “y, blinkers, dat Bill an’ me we kinder envid dem-“== Turkeymen. Den yew shud jest see sum ov dem wimin dance ! Yewd think dey wos maid ov elastik. An’ dey was de dandiest hie-kikkers yew ever did see! Dey’d | jest as soon kik a hole inde seelin’ j or nok de roof outen a fellers’ hat wid dare tose, as luk at yew. I don’t think dey hev enny jints at awl, an’ I'll gamble pennies dey never hev no roomatism. A feller sot besides mei night, wen dey was tryin’ tew kik de stuffin’ out ov de atmesfear, an’ he sed he gessed dem gals was spry enuf tew no a thing er too. . “Dey aint takin’ no chantzes wid der roomatiz,”’ he sed. “T’ll betdem gals take a dose ov this tew or tree times a day,” an’ he shoed me one ovdem little blew bottles ov powder. I began tew think that every modders’ son wot wos at de Fair had cottoned | ter that remmedi. Der big fellers wot wos runnin’ de show—mannyjers dey kawl ’em—dey awl carrid dere little blew bottles an’ yused ter take a‘ fizz” every now an _ agen, but chefely now. Dey sed it yused ter inviggerate tierd branes, an’ To freshen up dere think tanks wen dey got rusty and overwirkt, Wun ov de felers toled Bill an’ me dat wen he felt awl tierd out at nites after de show wos over, he yused ter take a good dose ov der stuff an’ it wud make him slepe like a hum- min’ top. Anuder feller sed dat wen he cudn’t . ete nothin,’ an’ felt as billyus asa biled lobster, a gud drink ov it wud settle his a stummikriteaway. Billseditwas 77, “nerely as gud a settler as de av- -erige emigrant is in de west, but Bill he don’t no nothin,’ ’cept how ter lie. Wen we , went inter de Moorish Pallas it was a grate 2 site. ’Twarnt like anythink els in de Fair, an’ ue" it reminded Bill an’ me ov a buk=y weuster reed ' kawled de ‘‘ Arabyan Nites.” We never seed sich splender. The Moors wos awl moored in-~ side der Mosks, an’ der gals wos a heep prittier nor de = men, as gals awlways is wen yew luk klose. Der moor we —= ‘saw ov.’em de better we liked ’em. (I tride dat joke on Bill an’ he nerely dide larfin, an’ den he went all ’round: ir ? & Pe By ges ; . erakkin’ de same joke an’ makin’ beleeve it was his own.) Yew orter see dem Moorish madens dans, an’ watch’em make dere skirts fli, It seams sum of de Lady mannyjers began kikkin’ ’cos dey sed de gals in de Egyp- shun an’ Indyan, an’ Moorish villiges kikked two much. Idon’tno. I think 1 has as much rite tew kik as anuder, only dese gals luk .better ‘doin’ it. Bill an’ me didn’t kik agen it,—not much we didn’t. . The place wot attracted de most doods an’ oder 3 @ gaom kinds ov men ov awl nashuns, wos Y Ce FOR de BUT Y show. It wos like. gettin’ mga sy Ss nere a free Tur-. key lunsh ter get S| inside thare, an’ the pritty gals wos ler’s hed rite round Bill an’ me yused wink at de wimin in Hai Zs enuf terturna fel- ey SY f - on his sholders. \ eS ter go there an’ : he thare own langwidge. Thare was gals iS thare from every nashun under de sun, an’ é Ey on Bill sed he thort sum_ov dem kem from hev- ne en. Ididn’t think so. Dey didn’t luk quiet ° eS ae enuf to be anjels. Dey' seemed ter draw well, but menny ov ’em painted a gud deel better’n dey cud draw. Dey had a ruddy, helthy glo on thare cheeks that dey-cud put- off an’ on as dey liked. We never nu wot ajes dey wos and me and Bill 12 oy & didn’t like to be two inkwisitive. Sum ‘ov ’em lukt as if dey cud get reel mad widout enny pertikler trubble. . Bill an’ me” met sum wimin fokes wot kem from our place. Dey was in de Midway nite an’ da fer a hole weak, an’ dey seamed ter stand it.pritty gud. One ov ’em sed she liked it bet- ter’n'shoppin’, but I didn’t beleeve that. Bill an’ me ast her if awl de rush an’ noise didn’t make her nervus. She sed she didn’t kare, as she’d found sumthin’ thet jest nokt awl de spots orf ov nervusness enny da, an’ she opened her satchil an’ shode us thet everlastin’ little blew bottle. Sez I, “If I’ve sene dat stuff - wunce I’ve sene it fifty times sinse-I cum to de Fair.”’ ‘Its de best thing out fur to releeve de hed an’ nerves”’ sezshe. I git the gratest relee f frum it.”’ ‘I was think- ing of applyin’ fer releef sune myself,” sez Bill, ‘‘fer I’ve jest changed my last bill.”?. Wen the wimin herd that dey shuk us, ’cos I think dey wanted us to sei up de ice-kreme for ’em. Wen Bill an’ me fust found de beer-tunnel on de Midway we were jest - tikkled ter deth, an’ we made visits thare twonoomerus ter menshun. We oh oe < was nevver lonely thare neether.‘ Dere was allwaze sumboddy or odder droppin in.ter sea about sumthin’. It was a gud place ter studdy jags, ’an the diffrent waze dey affex peeple. Wesaw men.thare wid fitin’ jags, weepin’ jags, larffn’ jags, mellenkoly jags, an’ quiet “stills.”. That’s: ene the funnyest kind ov a jag to everyboddy but the ‘“‘jagee.”’ Den dere was sum wid singin’ jags an’ most were singin’ ‘After de Bawl.” I re- member de korus was After de ball is over, Wen you have drunk enuff, Just as you feelin klover ~ Then cums the head so tiff, , The worst hed you ever felt, sir, But you won’t have it at awl, By taking a Bromo-Seltzer After the Bawl.” Bill an’ me awlwaze uster kall at the beer- . _- tunnel last thing at nite. We wos so stuck on the beer thare that we cud’nt keep away, but mebbe we didn’t have time ter regret it nex’ mornin’! Yew never saw sich heds in awl yure born daze. They was like two fresh punkins but they uster feel liké mush. I don’t no wether yew ever got a hed ov that kind, but if yew did yew no 14 wot it is like. Seem’d ter me’s if I’d been beeten wid a thik stik, an’ awl I wanted waz ter laydown an’ dye. Bill he suffered sumthin’ awful. He wud git up inde middle ov de nite an’ drink awl de water we had ter wash our- selves wid. Ansichwaterl] Yew had ter klose yer ise wen yer wanted ter drink. Yew kin bet thare’s more in Shikargo water ner peeplethink. Yes, alot more, an’ ye don’t like the luks ov wots init ether. Bill an’ me f didn’t. Wel, after Bill an’ me had de big hed fer about 4 daze in konkushun I wos tellin’ a feller wot slept in de same ranch what an awful bad time we had gettin’ over de effex ov de nites fun. ‘‘Yurea pare ov fules!”’ sez he. ‘No nuze in that,’’ sez I, ‘“we wos both borne so.’’ But yew orter no better,’’ sez he. ‘‘We no that, sezI, ‘‘but that don’t mend our heds.” ‘‘But wy in thunder don’t yew take sumthin’ fer it?’’ sez he. ‘‘So we du,’I anserd, kinderskornful, ‘take awl wekin hold 15 ~ EWS vite . woe “the nite afore. Wot more d’ye: want!?? « Yer dont t ketch . . on,’ séz. he, an’ he tuk a little blew bottle from his stern fe poket. “D’ye seethat?”’ sez he. ‘I do;” sez I,‘‘ an? Pve. “ seen it,’or wun jest like it, wid nerely everyboddy I have. met at de fare. Wot d’ ye kawl it ennyway?’’ Der feller he :: luks at me kontemtuos-like an’ he sez, sez he, “That's. © Bromo-S£LTZER,’’ sezhe. .‘‘Wel, Grate”. is Scot!’ sez I, “ everyboddy I’ve sene -yuse it has spoke wel ov it, but wot gud is it fer a big hed?” ‘‘Jest yewtryit,’’ sez he, ‘‘an’ yew won’t no wot a big hed is!.” Wel, you kin bet neether Bill nor me ever. had a sore hed anuder mawnin’, fer we uster kepe a ” Tittle blew bottle: bi the side ov de bed, an’ wen we felt it cummin’ on we’d mix a dose an’ down it. Bill, he swares biit.. So do I., An’ I’ve toled-everyboddy “wot ‘don’t no it alreddy, that dere aint ennything on dis erth that.kures a hed-ake ov enny kind, or soothes the ‘nervs. quikker’n it: will. Bill an’ me are awlwaze goin’ ter j keep. a bottle bi. us, ‘cos re never no wen we need it—. j speshally Bill—even tho’ we aint in # Dg Mipway PLAISANCE. Bee COPYRIGHTED 1893.