MARCH 1, 1862.] FU1N. METROPOLITAN POLICE ARRANGEMENTS FOR 1862. COPY of some excellent Police arrangements appeared in FUN some little time ago. SIR RICHARD MAYNE has since seen fit to publish in the Times and elsewhere, certain addi- Stions and modifications of the above. I We are glad to be able to put before Sthe public (officially, of course) some Further rules and regulations which will, during the present year, be enforced for the due preservation of order, and a high tone of morality in the metropolis. Cabmen (with a view to the floral decoration of London) will place the rarest flowers in pots on their stands. They will drive about incog., pre- Sserving, in spite of all questions put by designing foreigners, strict secrecy as to their number and rank in society. Crossing Sweepers shall meet every morning at MR. MUDDY'S circulating library to read two chapters of BRooME's Commentaries on the Common Law, and shall take their meals three times a day at BmncH's, in Cornhill. On Sundays they shall assemble at their com- mittee (No. B)rooms to discuss the question of ceremonial religion arising from their numerous "crossings." On the Derby day they shall dine together on sweep steaks. The Shoeblack Brigade shall meet once every month for a fish dinner of fried soles at Greenwich ; after which they shall have a brush with the opposition boys, and polish off one another. Every Sunday they shall listen to an Astronomical Lecture on Bootes, and also a homily against the sin of blacking each other's eyes. The Kleptodidaxion Society have made arrangements for treating several elderly gentlemen to the freedom of the city whenever they shall visit the neighbourhood of St. Paul's. The Police are especially requested to take pattern by the great forbearance shown by their representatives on the stage during the pantomime season, and invariably to commence' proceedings by taking up the wrong person. Thus amusement will be combined with the due execution ofjustice. In order to preserve a spirit of infantine simplicity, each member of the force shall, when he has nothing else to do, amuse himself with his rattle. The authorities will strictly enforce the following regulation, viz.: Every house let out by the week must be back again on Saturday evening at nine o'clock. We have been further favoured with rules relating to the EXHIBITION OF 1862. To prevent confusion in the roads to the Exhibition, all solicitors will drive their own conveyances, which will be drawn up at the Grand Entrance. Every one will be expected to take the most circuitous route possible, and approach the building stealthily, avoiding allintercourse with his fellow-man. The visitor must tell no one where he is going, and while walking hide his face in his hat. On arriving, walk round to the side door and ring the visitor's bell; if this fails to attract attention, throw stones at the window. If no one is within, leave your card, and depart noiselessly. Pedestrians are advised not to obstruct the progress of carriages by getting under the horses' legs when at full speed. ENTRANCE.-There will be three modes of entrance to the Exhibi- tion :-(1) By being treated. (2) By paying for yourself. (3) By not paying at all. In the first case, you mrvst enter at a particular door, and must be pleased with all you see. In the second, the same entrance is neces- sary, and an inclination to be pleased naturally follows. The third mode of entrance is as short as either of the other two, and is more congenial to a soaring and romantic spirit. The visitor who chooses this last is restricted to no particular door, nor indeed to any door at all, seeing that he may climb over the palings (if any), break through the glass, or by a sudden dive between the check-taker's legs may go in at the grand entrance. He may also (if he elect so to do) obtain admittance either in the disguise of a policeman, or by presenting an imitation season ticket; or in short, in any way which may suggest itself as least known to the uninitiated and most practicable to the performer. SEASON TCKETss.-There will be seven classes of season tickets, each separate class possessing distinct privileges. Class 1 will entitle Iho owner to an vienoil admission. !'tlto, liuiin, and attendance included. No extras. Class 2 will entitle the owner to the benefit of an admiission, bult hlo is not bound to criminate himself. Class 3 will entitle the owner t) see as much as hlo ia ol' to h interior through the windows, chinks of doors, or other availiabll opening. Class 4 entitles the owner to receive information from Ithe third class visitor of what is to be seen within, but lie may not look in himself. Class 5 entitles the owner to come within a hundred yards of thl, building, and imagine what there is inside. Class 6 entitles the owner to talk to a friend about going to set' (li. Exhibition. Class 7 entitles the owner to stay at home. Season tickets will be well soled for fear of wet weather. CnFai for preserving season tickets may be procured at Forr'Nuta anil MASON'S, Piccadilly. Applications for tickets may be made to any one. No Irish need apply. THE ROMANCE OF ADVERTISING j- lE outlines of throo-volume novels of harrowing interest. occur daily in the second colunhi of the 'l'imeRs splile. moet. A superlicially glancing S, world, however, declineR to beliovo in any romance that is not published by BlNTlru' or IInURST and UllActrir, ild lii not the yellow label of MIlmli. S von its cover. Nevertheless, the brief sketches of history to bi 4 glimpsed at muong the adver- tisements-brief and pithy, but -not always grammatical-tell tales of more stirring and -" intense interest than anything to be found in the Il'ocromcw Guest, the Iahifp'nsy Joutrnal, or the harrowing columns of the Family herald T'ake, lir' ilnstantce, the following:- PIG IN A POKE.-All appears sntisfactory. Wrin real nnme and addrnIess to I J. M. S., Post Ollico, Dorkiing. It needs but a glance to tell us that J. M. S. is the designing matrimonial lie-advertiser. There is a masculine boldness and saim.- froid about the wording that could never have flowed from a foeininine pen. "All appears satisfactory," says this crafty wretch ; the prey is worth snaring-there is money, or as good, to be got,. li at, oneo dashes at the misguided female-" Write real name and address"- surrender yourself at once-place yourself without delay in the Ipower of another CotLucc!l So this poor pig in a poke bonnet (better known as a "spoon bonnet" in the present day), has fallen into the hands of the butcher, and nothing can save her bacon. is there int, something suggestive in the very address ?-Dorking, well known for its breed of poultry, and suggestive of foul machinations on the part of J. M. S. Alas! for poor Pig in a Poke-poor deluded porker-to whom we address these pacra verbal by way of farewell. If J. M. S., after the marriage, ceases to be hiaw,-iable, and falls out with his rib, call the law-in, and have him sus. per cotl. A QUERY ANSWERED.-A contemporary gives the following paragraph:-" One of the young M.P.'s who figures in the house this year, is said to have given 1,000 to a well-known conjuror in ':aris for learning what is called the shilling trick,' which consist in pass- ing the coin into the centre of any soft substance, such as a bit of bread, an egg, an orange, etc., which may be at hand. Wlint will Ih do with it?" In tilhe absence of S1it EDnWAllRD ilA.wi Luii LroN, w lit, should answer the question appealed to this Strange Story, wo vvintfirc to suggest that he may try a trick worth two of that- the getting of the value of coin into his own head, a soft substance which will always be at hand. THE Wool, MARKET.-It is likely that we shall have to wait till either the North or South get worsted before we get cotton. WHY is MR. OWseN JONES like NeLSON ?--Bocause he is a deck- orator. 211 ---