FEBRUARY 8, 1862.] U N -211


 RAILWAY ARRANGEMENTS FOR 1862.
 HE public may be glad to learn
 that during the present year
 there is a probability of travelling
 being rendered pleasant and at-
 tractive to all parties. Hither-
 Sto we have been obliged to com-
 S' f plain of the venality of the
 guards, the signal incompetency
 of telegraph-men, the extor-
 Stions of porters, and the inoivile
 Sl ity of clerks and station-masteri.
 S "Rai" RElway officials will no longer
 ,be compelled only to observe-
 hs rmha t the. possession of an
 SaeB a t.e kniwRedge of. mzsio
 nm|n hencefrh be the chief
 qualifeation for their railway
 station in life.
 At the .ahe-yearly meeting of
 shareholders the ahafman of
 the committee wi. open the
 proceedings. by- obligog the
 railway ooImany wit&t a song,,
written, of course, in railway lines, and diaafniing their, fEtis1
retrospects, and the prospects of tha.unde T siig It h beaslta lier
decided that (after the manner of military etiquette)- a company's
servant holding rank iw. the guards shall, be equal to two porters in
the line.
 The South-Western have (it is said) already engaged several
eminent composers and poets, for the purpose of setting their list of
stations to the popular airs of the day, thus produtingr a, regealshig
effect upon the passenger's ear, and avoiding the hoarse, rapid, and
unintelligible cries in which it has been customary to announce the.
place of stoppage. ..
pA lady about to go (for instance) to Melton, will make her appear-
ance at the clerk's pigeon-hole, and the following form will'be
observed:-
 Clerk (within, sings sweetly):-
 Where are you going to, my pretty maid P "
 Lady (without):-
 "I'm going to Melton."
 Polite Policeman attractingg the attention of Clerk):-
 "Sir, she said," etc.
 The trio will be repeated until she obtains and pays for her ticket.
 At the South-Western, the official who directs the attention of the
passenger to the particular side where his train is waiting, will adhere
to this form:-
 Official (dancing up to passenger and retiring, sings. Air : "Skid-
amali.k":- ) :
"Vauxhall Wandsworth Putney Barnes and Mortlake Twickenham,
 Richmond!"
 The order of the last two stations being reversed for the sake of the
metre.
 Repeat, until bell rings and train starts, when he can recruit his
voice with some railway porter.
 There will also be plenty of opportunities for low comedy in the
 department of ticket collector; thus:-
 Train arrives. Ticket collector suddenly appearing at window, and
making a face:-" Here we are again!"
 Then sings refrain of "Hot Codlins."
 "Tickets! Tiddyiddy !
 Tickets! Tiddy iddy!"
 Passengers (joining in chorus, and entering into the spirit of the
 thing) :-
 "Rum turn tiddy iddy, hi ge bo!"
 Ticket Collector (receiving each billet with a hoarse laugh):-" That's
 the ticket!"
 On the departure of a train, a short duet between the guard and
 the stoker will be arranged; e.g.:-
 Guard (with whistle):-
 Off! off! said the stranger!"
 Stoker (bowing politely):-
 "Off! off! and away!"
 The remainder of this will be lost in the accompanying movement.


 The "lost ticket" will preserve an element of the tragic strain, and
a scene of this sort may be expected:-
 (Music: HAYDN'S Su priso.")
 Ticket Collector (to embarrassed Passenger):-
 "Please your ticket give to me."
 Embarrassed Passenger (with a searching look in every pocket):-
 "Hem i-that's odd-where can it be?
 [Looks in coat pockets.
 It cannot be lost, sureleo.
 [Examines waistcoat and trouser pockets.
 No-(after a hunt under the seats). It is not heis-"
 TSAree orfour Guards (without the ticket-loudly)'-" Ah !"
 liusic: "Swiss Boy."
 Ticket Collector (sternly):-
 S "Comeaong, omae along, my way, remiss boy I
 CGome along, come alongw.ith me."
Aa& the delinquent is led off. hInrther particulars will shortly be
announced; and we are sure that if the above plan is fairly carried
out, the different companies cannot fail to raise themselves in popular

esteamation.


 IMPORTANT NOTICE
 M E Proprietors of FUN, unwilling
 to beoutdone byt *n Daily Tole-
 graph, Standard, ur oothor con.
 tempoeriesss beg to announce
 t'it lb i oonsqueunce of the im-
 mense, marvellous,-inoaloulable,
 | / and aatounding circulation of
 F N,.the' have recently mado
 rtF great additions to the printing
 machinery of the establishment.
 The unparalleled facilities now
 possessed enable them to print
 65,000,000,000, etc., per hour,
 which are immediately distri.
 buted to the same number of
 boys (chiefly sons of favoured
 subscribers), who take them
 S' home to delight the eyes of their
 bed-ridden parents. Tho whole
 machinery is entirely worked by a single spring attached to the
 editor's right leg, which he moves slowly or quickly, according to the
 demand. There are twenty new boilers in the office, in which the
 principal contributors sleep. At dinner-time there are about forty
 feeders, who are furnished with spoons and mutton chops. There
 are seventy new steam-engines in the attic, on one of which the
 editor rides into town every morning. Improve nts are being made
 in the paper, pens, and ink. A new fount of type plays every Satur.
 day, higher than the founts at the Crystal Palace,-in faoi, a perfect
 type in itself.
 Arrangements have been made with regard to the coming session,
 and in order that the paper may never be behind-hand in parliamen-
 tary intelligence, Loan PAIMeaSTON has bound himself by a frightful
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 giving us the latest news. He will be handsomely rewarded with a
 copy of FuN gratis per week.
 N.B.-Repeated complaints having been received from all parts of
 the kingdom about the difficulty of procuring the current number of
 FUN after Wednesday morning, the public are informed that they
 must rush to their stationer's very early on the day of publication;
 or, if unable to do this, write to the office, where all orders will
 receive immediate attention and ensure certain and early delivery.


 THE LANCET'S POINT.-An advertisement of the Lancet announces
 in large type an article entitled, D. WINsLow on Railway Travel-
 ling." No doubt numerous persons will purchase our medical con-
 temporary, in the hope of seeing what the mad doctor thinks of
 gentlemen who travel on railway engines, attired in guards' uniforms,
 and blowing guards' whistles.
 WHY is MR. MILun, who was brought up for adjudication the other
 day, like a wet musket ?-Because he refuses to be discharged.
 WHY is the Federal Government like a fawn in a forest ?-Because
 it got frightened as soon as it heard a Russell.