FUTNT.


[JANUARY 18, 1862.


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 Master of the House:-" GOOD GRACIOUS JOHN, WHAT THE DEUCE--"
 John (slightly embarrassed) :-" I-BEG YOUR GARDEN, SIR, BUT I WAS ONLY A SHOWING HANN, THIS
HERE LEETLE FLOWER, CAUSE SHE'S VERY FOND OF 'EM!"


 SEWARD'S SONG TO THE
 SENATE.
 CoME, braggarts all,
 Sing small, sing small-
 As small as small can be;
 Your bluster and brag
 Put into a bag,
 And come and sing small with me!
 Chorus.
 Peccavimus !
 We render thus
 The Confederate Commissioners.
 Pray, Britain, pardon,
 And don't be hard on
 Your very humble petitioners!

 Come, bully bhoys,
 We've made a noise,
 As bold as bold could be;
 Now, my hook-nosed birds,
 We must eat our words,
 So come and sing small with me!
 Chorus.
 Peccavimus! etc.


 AN OLD FRIEND IN A NEW
 PLACE.-According to the Times
 (supplement), "The storms of the
 coming winter, and the weather,
 are foretold" in our old friend, the
 SRecord. We have long known
 that that Pharisaical journal could
 not discern the signs of the times.
 It remains to be proved whether
Sit can discern the face of the sky.
 (N.B.-If the Record in question
 be not our old friend, the pub-
 lisher to the Astro-Meteorological
SSociety is to blame for the mistake
in his mode of advertising.)
 Is the letter "L" surprised
 you, what tree would you name ?
 -Laur-el.


 CLEMENCY OF THE SEASON.
 A REMARKABLE instance of the unusual mildness of the present
season was evinced on Saturday week at the Mansioa House by the
LORD MAYOR. M. MONTANARI, the well-known modeller, travelled on
New Year's day in an omnibus which enjoyed the advantage of being
"conducted" by MR. CHARLES FREEBOrOUGH, wearing the badge
No. 1,761. On arriving at St. Martin's-le-Grand, M. MONTANARI
paid the conductor Gd., the fare for himself and his little girl, who
accompanied him. Almost immediately after this transaction, that is
to say, when the omnibus reached Cheapside, it occurred to MR.
FREEBOROUcGH to collect such fares as might be outstanding. On his
making application to M. MONTANARI, that gentleman reminded the
conductor that he had just paid him the fare. MR. FREEBOROUGH,
who, like many other free boroughs, appears to have possessed a
perfect development of the organ of acquisitiveness, instead of
accepting M. MoNTANARI's explanation, openly began to blackguard
that gentleman in most unmeasured terms, calling him a professional
swindler and an experienced cheat.
 "'The defendant' (said M. MONTANARI), replied, 'Nonsense, you never paid
me; you are one ot' lose follows who go about cheating conductors; you are a
swindler.' I assured 1lim I was a respectable man, having two places of busi-
ness, and complained that such language used in the presence of strangers was
the more insultin,. 'Oil,' lie said, 'I shall let you go this time; but you are
a great swindler, and I know yon to be one.' This was said as I was getting
out, and a crowd collected about the door."
 Again,-
 "Pointing his fingr nt, me in a derisive manner he shouted, There goes a
 swindler! Will yoii livrc mnthcr rile ft'o noiohing, you swindler?' The atten-
 tion of people ibohut. was directed to me.''
 It having )rc1n disctCiC rcdl that Mn]. FRrEEOROUGII'S licenco had


already been endorsed with the particulars of two offences, precisely
similar to the one he was now charged with, the LoRD MAYOR con-
sidered that he could not do less than fine him 5s. and costs!
 We quite agree with his Lordship. We do not think he could
possibly have done less.


 AMERICA TO JOHN BULL.
CROWN thee with this bare olive branch, now are we friends not foes,
We've gulp'd down all its olives, 'twas a strain you may suppose,
For the olive is a bitter fruit as everybody knows.


 PEACE AND PUGNACITY.-That quarrelsome Peace Party has just
started an organ advertised as the Iron Rarn, A 1; or, Peacemaker's
Magazine and Review of the Slaoe Race. To call the magazine an
A 1, Iron Ram, is a proof of the belligerent nature of these gentlemen,
for their obstinacy and pertinacity might have been quite as well
hinted at in the title of the Pig of Lead. Then, again, what could
have a more Wimbledonish smack about it than the proposed Review
of the Slave Race ?
 NOTES AND QUERIEs.-A provincial manager has written to know
if the return of LonD LYoNs from America, should occur, whether
the Disunited States Government will be bound to produce the Lady
of Lyons ?
 FUN-ETIC Nuz.-If all we have been hearing about the iniquily of
the racing world is true, the "Guide to the Turf," advertised as
" Ruff's," is a phonetic publication, and uses u doub'o ffor o-u-g-h.
 TIGHc ART.-NEW PICTURE.-NOW ready, the proof of a Christmas
pudding in the eating.


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