170 IFU N.


[JANUARY 11, 1862.


THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF
 CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.


h~i/mrI


Now the slippery weather is coming on, tradesmen ought not to be allowed to
 adopt the inhuman practice of Sandwich Advertising."


A CASE FOR


 POLICE ARRANGEMENTS FOR 1862.
 (APPROVED BY MR. SAMUEL WARREN, MASTER IN LUNACY.)
 To ensure respectful and courteous behaviour, all members of the
Metropolitan Police Force will salute every stranger who passes him
on his beat.
 Every policeman will be bound, on pain of instant dismissal and
forfeiture of his estate, to answer any question correctly, in whatever
language it may be addressed to him.
 The expression, Come now, move on!" shall be for the future
discarded, and I beg of you, my very dear sir, or madam" (as the
case may be), "to take some pedestrian (or other) exercise," shall be
substituted; and the request shall be grounded on the plea of solicitude
for the general health and well-being of the person so addressed.
 To prevent distraction and for the preservation of a proper con-
templative spirit, every policeman shall repeat his catechism three
times a day to himself while on duty, and after breakfast shall repeat
a hymn of not less than six verses in presence of the inspector and
his family (if any).
 When asked the way to any place, he shall immediately direct the
inquirer, whether he (the official) be acquainted with or ignorant of
the locality in question.
 The force individually will see that the following regulations for
the public good are duly observed :-
 First. On Waterloo Bridge.-To see that the toll-keepers shall not
refuse to toss for the amount payable for passage: further, that they
execute the process fairly and honourably.
 That the following tariff is exacted :-Fare for passengers over
Waterloo Bridge, first class, one shilling, with the privilege of walking
on either side of the pavement, either on his legs, hands, or head,
stopping to look at the view, running in the road, and getting in the
way of the horses and carriages, reading from the book of the blind
man who sits in a recess, being weighed at the instrument carried
for that purpose by the itinerary professor (price one halfpenny),
asking the toll-keeper at the Wellington-street end any number of
questions respecting the state of his mother's health, the name of the
tradesman who furnishes his chapeau, etc. For further information
call at Scotland Yard.
 Second class fare over Waterloo Bridge, sixpence. This only
permits the passenger to stop twice, to look over the stone parapet


once in case of losing his hat, to laugh loudly at intervals of forty
seconds, and to walk on either side of the pavement, but only on his
legs.
 Third class, one halfpenny. The passenger for this sum may
consider himself lucky if he is allowed to go across at all. Any one
of the other two classes has a right to pitch him over," turn him
out," or insist upon his being instantly removed by the police.
 The following regulations as to cabmen will be strictly enforced:-
Before going out to ply about for the day, they shall assemble by
fifties at the nursery grounds, Old Brompton, where their faces shall
be washed, hair combed, and a clean pocket-handkerchief presented to
each by the head nurse of the nearest hospital.
 They shall never demand more than sixpence, whatever distance
may have been traversed; and any driver of one of the aforesaid
public vehicles exclaiming, Woet's this ?" shall be instantly drummed
out of the cab-ranks by the waterman.
 Every cabman shall be required to supply his fare with any quota-
tion from SHAKSPEARE which he or she (the fare) may desire.
 In omnibuses. Any gentleman refusing to "go outside to oblige a
lady" on a pelting wet day shall be fined half a sovereign, and stand
a dinner to the conductors of the London General Omnibus Company.
 *** Further detailed notices concerning the exhibition, parks,
theatres, and other places of instruction and amusement, will be issued
in due time.


 PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.
 WE have long known the teetotallers to be the most intemperate
people in the world-in their language and views. Now the Peace
party is proving itself to be the most pugnacious party going. For
the last week or two they have been pitching into the Times, column
after column. As for JOHN BRIGHT, the leader of the gang, he is so
fond of a good fight, that he seems to think Peace's emblematical dove
a Ring-dove-and the Ring the Prize one.


 Says FUN to PAM, What of your gout ?"
 Says PA.,, "A sharp attack, 'tis true;
 But then it is so much about."
 Says FUN, Yes, chacun a son gout."


 THE POSTMAN'S PLEA FOR A
 CHRISTMAS-BOX.
IN the sunshine and rain, in the cold and the heat,
I always am found, as you've prov'd, on the feet;
While you butter your rolls and your chocolate pour,
I hasten to give the rap-tap at the door.
Twelve months you have constantly look'd for my
 knocks,
May I say I now look for a Christmas-box ?
Good news unto many I oft have declared,
For scenes little looked for, how many prepared;
Of friends who were absent I've told the approach,
Cast ill-will aside with its sting and reproach;
So varied the changes which spring from my knocks,
May I say I now look for a Christmas-box ?
Now, Christmas has come with all its good cheer,
With faces all smiling and friends ever dear,
And many a season I wish you again,
With more of the pleasure and less of the pain;
The smart-coated visitor's soul-stirring knocks,
Go ye to the heart for a Christmas-box.


 INTER ARMA SILENT LEGES.-Apropos of the
Inns of Court Rifles, MRs. GRUNDY says, it is a sad
sign of the retrogressive spirit of the age when a
body of educated men, instead of co-operating in
the advancement of literature and belles lettres,
seem to be playing at cross purposes, as they are
vying with each other in their endeavour to
become marksmen!
 WHAT should you do with an old coat ?-Use it
 as a waistcoat.