JANUARY 4, 1862.]


FU N. I.)"


 A SENSATION DICTIONARY.
 A GREAT deal of valuable time is frequently wasted by enthusiastic
 sensation seekers, who make a point of reading every newspaper
 paragraph with a heading that promises a fair amount of excitement.
 We have discovered, and intend to patent (if patents continue to
 remain as accessible as they are at present), a method by which any-
 body can make himself master of the particulars of frighthfl accidents,
 diabolical outrages, and other thrilling matter, in less than one-fiftieth
 of the time necessary under the old system. An extensive newspaper
 experience has taught us that in most cases it is quite possible to
 glean the contents of a paragraph from the nature of its heading, and
 that by simply "running one's eye" down the columns of a news-
 paper, the contents of six or eight paragraphs can be embraced in as
 many seconds. As an earnest of the value of our discovery, we
 present to our readers specimens of some of the most popular para-
 graph-headings, with their interpretation.
 ALARMINGC RAILWAY ACCIDENT.-A train breaks down in a tunnel.
 Great inconvenience arising from delay is an invariable feature of the
 Alarming Railway Accident, but it is never fatal.
 TERRIBLE RcAILWAY ACCIDENT.-A-man is run over by a train, and:
 his leg cut offT Ilm ousnailly -dies..
 FRiIGHI UL RAILWAY AtOIDEcTn -This is always fatal; either a
 collision has takenplace ih. a. tunnel, or a viaduct has given way and a
 train thrown, into, a river; A. paragraph headed simply "Railway
 Accident," signifies merely smashed excursion train. Note.-If your
 eye catches the word "miscreant" in a railway paragraph, be sure
 that somebody has endeavoured to upset a train.
 DISGRAC.FUL SCENE.-An unprovoked assault committed:either in
 a theatre or a church.
 DIABOLnC.L Or7rRAGE.-Always a Trades Union affair.. A soda-
 water bottle full of gunpowder, with a lighted fusee attached, has
 been thrown into an obnoxious factory worker's room.
 LOVE AND SUICIDE.-A servant, aggravated byher l6ver1as incont-
 stancy, has thrown herself into the Regent's CanaL;
 SCANDALOUS ArFAIR.-Either a member' of parliament has rnm
away with his cook, or an heiress has eloped with her footman. This
paragraph always concludes by hinting at employment for the gentle-
men of the long robe.
 VILLAINous ASSAULT.-This is always a vitriol case. The victim
is generally a woman, and she always imnagines at first that it is water
that has been thrown over her.
 LOVE AND CRirE.-Always a French case. A Lively Neighbour has
poured melted lead into the ear of his (or her) betrothed, and has
subsequently cut him (or her) into little bits. Jealously is invariably
the incentive.
 DREADFUL DEATII.-A factory girl has entangled herself in some
 machinery, and dies horribly mutilated. N.B.-Jury always recom-
 mend tlat scene of accident should be boarded off.
 BRUTAL AsSAULT.-A daughter of Erin has called another daughter
 of Erin "carrots." Second daughter then bites off nose or car of
 first daughter.
 CANNIBALISM IN DRiTR LANE.-Ditto, and the piece swallowed.


 TO DR. ROWLAND WILLIAMS FROM THE BISHOP OF SALISBURY.
 EAcH layman and lawyer
 May strongly speak for your
 Case, of which every one talks,
 If beaten by me,
 Then out of my see
 You quickly will walk your Broad-chalks."


 AMERnICAN QUAKERIS.--It seems that GENERAL HALLECK, the
Federal officer, is a Quaker, and that many of the Federal soldiers still
maintain the Quaking behaviour on service (was that how the panic
began at Bull's Run?). "Yankee notions" have always been strangely
incongruous matters, but can they have a notion that to force a hated
government down other pejipl'Js throats is a Friendly action ?
 PATRIA QUIS EXSUL SE QUOQUE FUGIT ?-A man, says HIORACE, can
fly from his native land, but. he cannot escape from himself. There's
that poor EDWIN JAMEs-ho has become a naturalized American
citizen, but his opinion on a nice point of law (especially international)
is not worth a bit more than ever it was.
 THE popular opinion of MR. CHAR.ES MATIIEWS is that he has led a
very gay life, but now neither M ls. GRxin- nor his amiable wife can
quarrel with him, for he's "At Home" every evening except Saturday,
and then perhaps he is out ordering his Sunday's dinner!


 INN PiIILOSOl'PIV.
BY Oiiu Ux'oinIwaII., TRIA\ KEl Ir,.


 S .' All travellor sonl t ilo, a lre I""
 io quarterr ;
 kAnd FdoITrNP, l11t chlbnl)'rinlad,
 I' i lloiks !itat the iloor,
 I With--'ir, I've brought, olur
. i..----=-.- hot waiter!"


I -1.1 --,-


Sl"or !ow and hil she r(epet:;s the

 TUliat, froi bl)OsO1u ('halnibuh'ulnllid,
 ('Ill \ 'E'S (1daunhl1
lint otheiir tlks in:re fti it, mort
 tlllllu I
 Thlis- -" .i', T'volnou' r li |,
 wator!"


 The Poor, when daylight opens his oves,
 Falls a-thinking Irs night grows shorter mad :shortir,
 For United Italy knocks and cries-
 "Please, sir, I'vo brought your hot iwalr !"
 The CzxI lie wakes outn ofi drnioms of control
 Bytho gOntle meanns of Siberia ndl slnugh1er,"
 When FoinwxuNE raps at his door widt a Polo,
 "Please, tsir, I'vo brought your hotu water !"
 The Eil'EROit wankes and groans, for the wench
 KRnocks at his place, and scorns lthe porter ;
 And showing :a, halance-sheet, tells hii ill IIrentch-
 "Please, sir, H'vI brought your liot water !
 The PirESInEr r waLk: in lthe Federnl States,
 And wishes lthe civil war wore shorter ;
 FoirruNE knocks wilth a British dispatch at hli-i gate:;-
 "Please, sir, I've brought your hot watI'r! "
 Ah, well! It's cnoiigli' one's courlllgo Ii i-hock,
 Thiat l'oritTl'N[,, nl;s! however we court, Uir,
 Will come to the bedroom door inul kuink --
 Please, sir, I'vo brought your ]hot wat ir!"


 ONLY SKIN III';)1:P.
 THE Fr-nc11 MITsNI'rrI. Oi AOlltAlNE: sli t1; l;ii n litingi Stipl l i pJrt Vttit
the sailors front indulging in the caomon naval uilanl fl.r i.ltooing.
We know our Einglish JACiK is tilld of n rkinig his epidiernlis with iin
anchor, and it appear-s thie French for J.\ci hias a ,iniilinr ]itinkerinig.
Why the MINISTEa of IlARINIl should interfere it is tnii, eisy lo guess,
for surely men who give their attention tio -the tathol would IILhav a
good car for the "'beat to quarters." It is possible, however, thait heI
fancies the French sailor may learn froin slashing himself in ihini
of peace how to ut a y in of war. Or does he think that
in scarifying himself lie may forget how to scare others:


 SP'ORTI NG.
 You.ixo BILLL SLASlTERt is in strict training f0r tli0i greii, mill, which
comes off soon, and creates inuIlh ipeculationi inll ie ne(iglihoilirllood of
Coldbath. 311'r, is doing steady work lulder the wal.cil'ul eye of
128 X; but we believe the finishing touch will boe hnliilifo!red by
SERtGEANT' T. iJltL is falinous in lthe milling world for having per-
formed" more rounds than any mani at present Iout.


 A FijrENCli professor of native celebrity, ta inmlihr io the Societ:
Ilistoriquoe" of Lyons, whilst lecturing onil England and lhe I':iiglish,
dwelt greatly onIL our national ilntiperl'Inc' and nalme'd S. corrobera-
tive evidence tlhe fact of our country being called "a light, little
island."
 JIow would iyo translate into Latin a hampered loc i? Si; 1I..
[We should inform our reader. that tlhe perpetrator of lle aLJove did
iot survive; it was frwairded by his execclltors .)
 WilY shoulll we suppose hliatl IllI.\'lN'; London engage'rientls IiV
not paid him ?--lecaueo lie twlvcrtiseF his preSient, lalalnc( l 1e-ingf
unusually low.


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