FU IN.


[DECEMBER 14, 1861.


 Landlord:-" HULLO BACONFACE, ARE YOU AND YOUR MISSIS GOING IN FOR TIE PRIZE
MEDA L P"
 Tenant: -" NOA, SQUOIRE, NOA; BUT 31OY MISSUS AN ME W'E'RN GOWTEN THAT
FLOOSTRAYTED 'LONG 0' THAY STEAM-INJINS AND CROWDS AN PUSHIN', AND TMAY DRAFTED
O)INIBUSTES, THAT W'EM THOUGHT BEST BTDE LONG 0' OUR BIT LOT 0' PEGS TILL SHOW BE
CLEAN OVER, AND SUN TAMMiUS CAN TAKE WE BACK WOUM TO CHAWBOROUGH."


OUR LIBRARY TABLE, AND BOOKS
 WE MAY EXPECT ON IT.
 THE following "announcements" may be
 regarded as authentic:-
 "Tom Brown at the Oxford," by the
 Author of "Tom Brown's Cool Days." Also,
 John Jones at the Canterbury Hall," by the
 same writer.
 Crawlings to Competence, a City
 Legend," by Author of Footsteps to Fame."
 The Policeman of Pimlico," by the Author
 of the "Constable of the Tower."
 "The Best out of Three," by the Author
 of "One of a Thousand."
 Heads I Win," by the Author of "Double
 or Quits."
 A Hint to Go," by the Author of Notice
to Quit."
 "The Kitchen and the Range," by the
 Author of the Cloister and the Hearth."
 "A Stitch in Time," by the Author of
 SIt's Never too Late to Mend."

 NEW MUSIC.
 The New Educational Minuet. (R. LowE
 and Co.)-This is by no means well-timed,
 and is an exceedingly ungraceful movement.
 Although it has made many heads of schools
 dance, all the attention it has received from
 their feet is in the shape of a vigorous kicking.

 BURKE AND HARE-ISTOCRATIC.
 MOST HONOURABLE FUN,-Not liking the
 way in which so many noble families have
 been burked by ST.-I mean SIR-BERNARD,
 I beg of you,-you the ever-wise, the clever,
 the pleasant, the agreeable, and, above all,
 the aristocratically connected,-to tell me one
 thing: I have heard of the EARL OF MARCH ;
 is there a DUKE or MAY or a VISCOUNT
 APRIL? Furthermore, is he the EARL or
 QUICK MARCH? Is he a slow MARCH ?
 Does his skin resemble the 'ides of MARCH ?
 Have there been any dead MARCHES? Is
 the family related to the MARCHES of
 Umbria? And is the present inheritor of
the distinguished name a Jeund Homme ?
Do answer me.-I am, yours ever,
 A MEMBER OF THE BAR (SINISTER).
 Lord's Criccet Ground.


 FIVE POUNDS REWARD.
 WE have received the following from an anonymous source. What
is the difference between PIP, the hero of MR. CHARLES DICKENS'S
Great Erpectations, and the EMPEROR Louis NAPOLEON ?
 Why, when PIP drew up a statement of his affairs, he invariably
made a point of leaving a margin. Louis NAPOLEON, on the other
hand, with a candour that does him credit (and he may gather from
this, that his credit is not entirely gone), leaves nothing whatever to
imagine.
 As the word, 'imagine" is italicised, we conclude that the joke,
whatever it is, culminates in that word. This is the only clue we can
give our readers as to our correspondent's meaning. We shall have
much pleasure in awarding to the author of a successful solution of
the mystery, a present of five pounds.
 We have discovered the joke,-"a margin"-"imagine." Of
course! The reward is ours.


 THE SEA SIDE.-A lady of our acquaintance (whose hairdresser
tells her she's rather thin at the top") informs us that the only use
she can see in a trip to a watering place is that you can divide your
hair at the side, and put your middle parting to grass while you are
there.
 MEN OF A CERTAIN STAMP.-Post-office officials.


 THOSE DREADFUL REPORTERS.
 THE HON. P. P. BOUVERIE is reported to have said to the listening
farmers at the Agricultural Meeting at Faringdon that-" He was
not able to give them much information on the subject of farming,
for, though he farmed a little, he did it through a bailiff; but he
enjoyed the pleasure arising from it." The only thing that could have
prevented the Hon. M.P. from writing to the Times to correct this
mis-statement, must have been the fact that the error is so glaring.
Anybody can see that in transcribing his short-hand notes, the repor-
ter substituted pleasure" for "profit."


 CHURCHYARD FLOWERS.-A poor girl has recently died from the
effects of arsenic inhaled by her while manufacturing green leaves for
wreaths of artificial flowers. We feel sure that the fair sex will
discourage the trade, not so much on account of this, as because the
leaves, after killing a work-girl or so, still retain poison enough to
cause eruptions and pimples on the skin of their wearers. After that
we know the ladies will set their faces against them, and never set
them against their faces.
 UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.-AS DR. HAWKINS, provost of Oriel
College, Oxford, is not only the ex-professor of ex-egetical theology,
but "small beer" at the same time, he is for the future to be called
DR. XX!


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