108 THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES

These reflections oppressed me from the second or third day of my
distemper ; and in the violence, as well of the fever as of the dreadful
reproaches of ny conscience, extorted some words from me, like pray-
ing to God, though I cannot say they were either a prayer attended
with desires or with hopes; it was rather the voice of mere fright and
distress: my thoughts were confused, the convictions great upon my
mind, and the horror of dying in such a miserable condition raised
vapours into my head with the mere apprehensions; and, in these
hurries of my soul, I knew not what my tongue might express: but it
was rather exclamation, such as, “Lord! what a miserable creature
am I! IfI should be sick, I shall certainly die for want of help, and
what will become of me!’ Then the tears burst out of my eyes, and
I could say no more for a good while.

In this interval, the good advice of my father came to my mind, and
presently his prediction, which I mentioned in the beginning of this
story, namely, that, if I did take this foolish step, God would not bless
me, and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected
his counsel, when there might be none to assist in my recovery. ‘“‘ Now,”
said I, aloud, ‘“ my dear father’s words are come to pass: God’s jus-
tice has overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me. I rejected
the voice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture, or
station of life, wherein I might have been happy and easy ; but I would
neither see it myself, nor learn to know the blessing of it from my
parents. I left them to mourn over my folly, and now I am left to
mourn under the consequences of it. I refused their help and assist-
ance, who would have lifted me into the world, and would have made
every thing easy to me, and now I have difficulties to struggle with, too
great for even nature itself to support, and no assistance, no help, no
comfort, no advice.” Then I cried out, ‘“‘Lord, be my help; for I am
in great distress |”

This was the first prayer, if I might call it so, that I had minds for
many years. But I return to my journal.

June 28.—Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had
had, and the fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and
terror of my dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit of the
ague would return again the next-day, and now was my time to get
something to refresh and support myself, when I should be ill: and
the first thing I did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and
set it upon my table in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or
aguish disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum
into it, and mixed them together; then I got me a piece of the goat's
flesh, and broiled it on the coals but could eat very little. I walked .

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