dollar rather than happiness. Marley. When Marley passed
 S0 H S ETT E He broke any law and prac- away, the illness was never
 Sticed any unethical business specified, no matterhow many
 T ,- scheme if it meant earning a questions Scrooge asked.
 S iLM|,. .O few extra pennies. He received "I was always curious as
 insider trader tips on dozens to what disease he had," said
 by Paul Guzzo of stocks, would hire men to Scrooge. "When I realized the
 work only 30 hours a week to whole evening was nothing but
 avoid providing his employees a ruse, I began wondering what
 All views in this article are them. I believed in punishing "ghost's" identity. He had a with benefits, had the toxic Marley had to gain by faking
 solely the views of the subject the children for the mistakes thin gaunt hand and though waste produced as a byproduct his own death and dressing
 ofthe article-Ebenezer Scrooge of the parents; I believed if he never spoke did make awful of his businesses in children's up like a ghost. I began digging
 and not those ofLa Gaceta a man was unemployed or noises on a few occasions. parks, and convinced nations around for Marley's name in
 Newspaper or the writer of' underpaid it was his fault "At one point I asked to stop to go to war so his construc- recent business ventures and
 this column, Paul Guzzo, who and the government shoUld for Japanese food. The ghost tion companies could make what his current occupation
 not only likes Republicans, but do -nothing to help the very didn't want to, but when I- money rebuilding the war torn was and learned that he now
 has dated a few said I wouldn't nations. owns all rights to the story
 and would like Ebenezer ScrOfge go on unless we "I was a complete jerk," he of that evening and the three
 any singleRepub- stopped for Jap- said. "I actually would try and ghosts. Since then he has
 lican females to anese food, he make money off war and had pimped it to whoever wants
 know he is cur- gave in and ate no problem destroying the en- to make a bastardized televi-
 rently single and with me. It was vironment if itmeant turning a sion or film version of that
 desperate. IT'S A after we ate that buck. I remember I was asked evening. Marley even turned
 FAKE COLUMN the awful noises to run for prime minister. Can my story over to the cartoons
 PEOPLE! A JOKE! began. It sounded you believe that? A man who The Flintstones, Mr. Magoo,
 Enjoy ... like someone was condoned such actions run- The Jetsons, and even Beavis
 Could the puking," remem- ning a country? Only complete and Butt-head. He's made a
 Christmas hol- bered Scrooge. idiots would vote for a man fortune off my name."
 iday's most fa-i "Yep, a thin like that.h" Despite being lied to and
 mous former hand, an upset Despite all his riches, robbed, Scrooge said on some
 grouch finally do stomach it was Scrooge refused to spend one days he is more embarrassed
 what the Clin- George Bush, Sr. penny of his money on anyone than angry. He said there were
 tons, Al Gore and alright." but himself. This money and so many signs that the whole
 John Kerry were The most dif- work-obsessed lifestyle soon evening was a shani that he
 all unable to do ficult "ghost" to forced his fiance, Belle, to should have realized it much
 take down the Re- identify was the leave him. earlier.
 publican Party? Ghost of Christ- "I was so confused," ex- "And I don't even mean the
 Injust a fewshort mas Present. plained Scrooge. "I was taught signs I already went over,
 weeks, Ebenezer Scrooge remem- the bestwayto make the world explained Scrooge. "I was
 Scrooge vs. The bered the "ghost" a better place was to continue so drugged up on LSD that
 Republican Par- as a fat man spending my money on myself evening that it was tough to
 ty will rattle the who laughed a 'and to buy things for myself. remember all the events clearly
 halls of the Hill- lot and had two I thought that even in times until years later. But in the
 sborotgh County children cling- of great national tragedy, if morning I was sober and the

 Courthouse and ing to his robes. I spent money on myself the three ghosts visited me one
 possibly change It was this past world's problems would be last time to remind me that
 the American June after Rush solved. And it was working. I now that I was a changed man
 political system Limbaugh was remember in 1945 I bought a I should not publish my book.
 forever, as a vic- detained at the new house and the next day They then took every copy of
 tory for Scrooge Palm Beach air- World War II ended. I couldn't my book and said they'd take
 could bankrupt port that Scrooge understand why she left me it to hell with them to burn. It
 the Republican was able to finger when it seemed as though I was right in front of my nose.
 Party if Scrooge "Only an idiot could miss the similarities the final culprit. was right." Only conservatives want to
 is awarded the between Republican.policies and my former "It just hit me The only person left in bun books.
 $1 billion settle- eief s em -The 'ghost' was Scrooge's life was his best "I'11 win the court case,
 ment. beief system. laughing like he friend Jacob Marley, who though. Only an idiot could
 You haven't was stoned. Be- shared Scrooge's lust for mon- miss the similarities between
 heard of this pending court foundation of the Republican cause they drugged me, the ey. Unfortunately, seven years Republican policies and my
 case? That's possibly because Party's anti-welfare stance and night was a little hazy, but I prior to the famous Christmas former belief system.
 despite Republican claims that refusal to help create better slowly realized that the two Eve that changed Scrooge's life "I wish I'd never written the
 the media is liberal-biased, in payingjobs! I also was against children were not children at forever, Marley passed away book," concluded Scrooge. "I
 reality it is the exact opposite- giving money to charity, believ- all they were actually on their from a mysterious illness. can't believe how wrong was.
 (How else can you explain a ing the top one percent of the knees as though they were his Alone, Scrooge's heart became What is most amazing to me is
 man's claim of not inhaling country should keep all the purchased sex slaves ... and even harder and he became every year a version of my life
 getting more attention than a money and whatever we can't they were Dominicans," said unbearable to be around. is shown on television during
 man's DUI and cocaine use?). hold in our pockets can go to Scrooge. "It had Limbaugh Then came the three the holy and religiousseason
 So while Ebenezer Scrooge vs. the poor trickledown eco- written all over it." "ghosts" who he believes must and the very political party
 The Republican Party could nomics! I believed in ignoring "They won't get away with have laced his milk with LSD to that swears they represent the
 perhaps be the single most im- the opinions of the people and this," said Scrooge of the Re- induce hallucinations. In retro- spirituality of the Christmas
 portant court case this nation doing what I thought was right publican Party. "I may have spect, Scrooge said he should season ignores my message
 has ever seen, the media has even if everyone else thought never published my book, but have known something was and continues to lookupon the
 kept it hidden from the public, it was wrong the Republican I did have it copyrighted. I have amiss earlier, as each "ghost" world with greed.
 hoping it will just go away. foreign policy! Do you see? I've all the proof need. They filled said some strange things to "In short, the United States
 Here at La Gaceta, though, we been ripped off And justa few my head with thoughts of shar- him that fateful Christmas has been scrooged."
 were able to secure a one-on- weeks before my book was set ing and kindness and peace Eve.
 one interview with the Christ- to hit the shelves I was sud- on earth in order to rule the While Michael Jackson was
 mas icon to get his story first denly visited by ghosts who country with the exact opposite showing Scrooge how his tough
 hand. convinced me to change my views my former views I wrote upbringing turned him into an
 Ebenezer Scrooge has ways and not publish the book. about in my book!" angry man, he kept crying.
 charged the Republican Party Coincidence? I think not!" "Don't get me wrong, though, "He claimed he identified
 with copyright infringement. For years, though, Scrooge I'm glad they visited me and with me," said Scrooge. "It was IT IAN
 He claims the very founda- did consider it a coincidence. lied to me to change my ways. scary; more frightening than a
 tion of the Republican Party is Then, as the Republican Party I like my new giving outlook on real ghost."
 based on his political philoso- began winning elections in life much more than my greedy Scrooge said when Rush
 phies prior to being visited by the 1980s and their political outlook on life. I'm not suing Limbaugh brought him to the
 the three Christmas ghosts on agenda seemed eerily similar them to get rich. -I want to get Cratchit's house so he could Beautiful Book of over
 that famous Christmas Eve. to what he wrote in his book, them out of office and bank- see that people could be happy 20ITALL4NPROVERBS
 He claims he was preparing to he began thinking that some- rupt them so we can make this without money, Limbaugh kept
 publish a book, "How To Rule thing may be amiss. On May world a better.place. Maybe, yelling mumbling that even if on family, fiiendship, work,
 The World Through Greed 14, 1984, it finally all came once removed from the greed Tiny Tim wasn't paralyzed and
 And Ignorance," in which he together for him when he saw they've surrounded themselves became a great quarterback in marriage and much more!
 wrote about how if his beliefs Michael Jackson and Ronald with, they too will change." the NFL he'll be overshadowed In both English and Italian,
 were to be incorporated into Reagan shaking hands on the Scrooge's metamorphosis by other quarterbacks because
 a political system the world news. It was then he realized into a kind and gentle man is he's white. with nostalgic phtographs.
 would be a better place. But, the Republicans had sent amazing, even if it is clouded And when George Bush
 the three ghosts convinced him agents. to his house on that with the fog of lies and deceit, showed Scrooge what his fu- To order:
 to shelve the book. Today, he Christmas Eve to act as ghosts and one that once again de- ture would be like if he didn't 'GRAN THER SAD BE
 believes the three ghosts were and convince him to not pub- serves to be revisited. change, things got very odd.
 not ghosts at all, but Republi- lish the book. Born in London, England, "This is when I definitely SMDCHEQCORM.O.FOR 1$9.95
 can agents who fed him LSD to Scrooge thought back upon Scrooge was abandoned by his should have realized something (price includes shipping, handling & tax)
 induce hallucinations and then the Ghost of Christmas Past father at a young age and sent was wrong," said Scrooge. "In R.A.M. PUBLISHINGHOUSE, INC.
 convinced him to not publish an androgynous being with to stay at boarding school all the so called future Bush
 the book so they could steal a white robe and hair on fire year long, even during Christ- showed me, the world was C/OA.I.F.
 his ideas and claim them as ... Michael Jackson! mas. praising America's Iraq pol- 11705 BOYBTTE ROAD, SUITE 221
 their own. "It began coming together," "No one cared for me," said icy. RIVERVIEW, fL 33569
 "Let's look at the facts," said said Scrooge. "Michael Jackson Scrooge, "which I now realized "What's really upsetting is RIEI G336
Scrooge while sipping on a and the head of the Republican shaped my political views later that though these men were heL PC~'GI F fo al
glass of tap water and picking Party, Ronald Reagan; were in life. I grew up thinking that lying to me so I would change haly am pedal O*aOaB.
at his dollar menu items at a friends." it was right to punish me as my ways and they could rip me
local fast food establishment. "I Soon after, Scrooge pieced a child because my parents off, I think they believed what
hated the poor, thinking many together the rest of the puzzle. didn't love me. I thought that they were telling me. Money
would be better offdead. When The Ghost of Christmas Yet was normal." and greed has a strange affect iAdve/~ riise
my clerk, Bob Cratchit, asked To Come wore a long black Thinking it was the govern- on men, though."
for a raise to help feed his six robe, hiding his identity, but ment's duty to hold the poor After fingering each of the I
children, my philosophy was he there were a few things that down rather than help them, undercover Republican agents,
shouldn't have had that many stood out in Scrooge's memory Scrooge dedicated his life to there was just one more mys- G[t
children if he couldn't support that gave away the so called the pursuit of the almighty tery to solve the role of Jacob
Page 16/LA GACETA/Friday, December 22, 2006