The Sun /Sunday, June 8,2014 feelingfit.com www.sunnewspapers.net Page 5


Would you rather be right, or happy? ;


 By GRETCHEN SUNDERLAND
 FEELING Frr CORRESPONDENT

 Would you rather be right, or would
you rather be happy? If you say you
prefer to be right, just keep on insist-
ing on your way and your ideas. If you
really want to be happy, you might
want to decide if the fight is really
worth the erosion of your relationship.
 I remember taking a couples
workshop years ago, and the most
important thing I learned is this: I had
to decide if it was more important to
me to be right or to be happy.
 When asked, I immediately thought,
"Well, I'd rather be happy, of course."
But then I found out it wasn't that
easy because I secretly wanted to be
right.
 I began to notice the disagreements
I had with my husband and how in
every argument I knew I was right.
Unfortunately, he knew he was right,
also, with the opposite thoughts and
approach. So what does a couple do
then?
 Here's what we were taught: Decide
if this disagreement is something you
will remember many years later. Is it
about some dearly held value or ethic?
Is it so important that you have to
win at all costs? And at the end of the
argument have you really ever won?
 The answers were almost always
that the argument was about some-
thing trivial, or one of us was stressed
or tired, or it really didn't matter in the
long run. And our relationship was
much more important than "winning"
an argument.
 At the workshop we were asked to
try an exercise called "You're Right."
It goes like this: Think of something
trivial that you usually argue about. It
could be how to load the dishwasher
the proper way, or how to take the
"best" route when driving. One
person would state their opinion,
"It's supposed to be this way." Then,
surprisingly, the partner would say,
"You're right."
 Can you understand how this would
feel, if your partner told you that you
are right? Where do you go with that?
There's nothing to push back about
or to argue about further. You've just
been told you are right.
 Actually, what really happens when
we use this technique today is we
both start laughing because we know
what's going on. We both remember
the "you're right" game and the
argument just fizzles away.
 So why is arguing about who's right
so harmful to a relationship? Because
being right means that the other
person gets to be wrong, and in any
argument, no one is listening to the
other person's opinion. The speaker
is convinced that if they present the
right facts, the most logic, the best
convincing argument, then the other
person will have to back down and
agree with them. But it usually doesn't
work that way, does it?
 Sometimes we are so intent on
convincing the other person that our
opinion is right that we can argue
endlessly, often times about the same


Gretchen Sunderland


Gretchen Sunderland is a life/executive coach who
has been working for 14 years with people who
want happier, more successful lives. She lives in
Punta Gorda and New York. Her website is www.
coachgretchen.com.

topics. In most cases we are not able
to convince them that we are "right"
and both parties feel worse than when
the discussion started.
 I'm not saying that there aren't some
important topics that we feel passion-
ate about, but most disagreements
between loved ones are about things
that we could care less about. It's
just a habit to want to be "right". And
being right also can mean that you
feel the need to control the other, and
can create a feeling of separation.
 So what's the solution? Here's what
I tell my life coaching clients. If you
begin arguing about one of these mi-
nor topics, make an instant decision
that the relationship is much more
important to you than sticking to your
unmovable posture of being "right".
 Then try saying, "You're right" -
and see how fast the argument loses
steam.
 Now I'm not suggesting that there's
no place for healthy and friendly
debates. I enjoy having enlightened
discussions with family, friends, and
strangers. And I'm not saying that
there are no topics worth getting
worked up about. I'm simply sug-
gesting that we avoid the emotionally
charged arguments on subjects that
don't really matter.
 Another exercise I have my clients
do is write down five qualities about
your partner that you love the
qualities that made them attractive to
you when you first met. Then remem-
ber those things when you feel like
arguing.
 The decision to put your relation-
ship first is that you want it to last.
You can think of any argument about
trivial things as wanting to make the
other person feel bad because they are
"wrong". This will not create closeness
in your relationship.
 My belief is that each couple can
learn to become a team "us" versus
the problem instead of me versus
him/her. Then productive discussions
can follow and your bond as a couple
can grow much stronger. Aren't love
and closeness much more desirable
than fighting?


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