Because Someone Cared
The following is a guest
,icie written by Ned
Jidberg. ACSW, LCSW,
[anager of Quick Response
Togram for the Jewish
imily and Children's Service
Palm Beach County. Mr.
viti's articles will resume in
libsequent issues.
(All case names mentioned
these articles are fictitious;
nt information at Jewish
imily and Children's Service
held in the strictest confi-
ince.)
JI recently read an article en-
jtled, "The Sandwich
leneration, Adult Children of
Aged." The "Sandwich
eneration," according to the
hide, were these people,
Lally between the ages of 45
\& 65, who had Hving
irents, adult children and
fen grandchildren. While on
one hand, the Sandwich
eneration might be at the
^ak of their careers, earning
Dwer, or even leisure, if they
at, or are approaching
tirement, they might also be
luee/ed between conflicting
kmands of their surviving
Irents, their adult children
id even grandchildren. The
Kponsibility might be in the
Irm of housing, physical
[re, financial help, or some
imbination of these three
lings.
Isomc of you might say that
lis is nothing new. Frequently
(hear people say, "I grew up
]a family where we cared for
andparents in our home.
lere were good times and
Id times, but we pulled to-
Ither. My parents provided
lr my grandparents and no
)c complained, or at least
ere allowed to complain. It
and was, our duty to
to vide a home for everyone
our family."
! There is nothing I can say to
[spuic the argument of some-
ne who believes that families
tovidc lor all members and
one is supposed to com-
iin or question. The only,
king that I would add is to say
lat ihings today are different
|om the way they were 50, 30,
even 20 years ago.
To begin with, people are
ing longer. Years ago it
ight be common for a 40
ear old couple to be provid-
care for a 65 year old
irent, or set of 65 year old
arents. Today the scenario is
Sfferent. The people provid-
!>g care are frequently a 60-65
ear old couple providing for
85 year old parent. And on
)p of this situation, they may
iv e children and grand-
lildren who are asking or
landing attention. There
nay be a divorced daughter
sking for help raising her
taldren, or a son still in
raduate school who is not
financially independent.
Not only in the last 10 or 15
|ears has the divorce rate risen
this country, making some
Jult children come back
|ome (o live, but housing costs
a>e risen and many adult
iiildrcn who want to live on
neir own can't afford to.
llso, we know that many
Hege students attend
raduate school and this
pgthens the time that they
re dependent on their parents
Or money.
amilies where there are too
ny members with demands,
M not enough strong and
Me members to provide, have
great deal of stress. While
re "i a family can be endless,
HW is still a limited amount
"me, energy, affection, and
fney to go around.
Ned Goldberg
Take for instance, the ficti-
tious situation of Jack and
Esther. They move to Florida
and into a nice two-bedroom
condo, while in their mid-
sixties, and look forward to
many years of health and
leisure together. They moved
with Esther's mother, Bubby,
a pleasant woman in her mid-
eighties, who is healthy and
somewhat active. Bubby had
lived with Jack and Esther for
many years, and they lived to-
gether quite amicably. Within
a year, however, Bubby had
fallen and broken a hip. Her
stay in a nursing home for
rehabilitation was to be
temporary, but it was to be for
a couple of months. While
Bubby was in the nursing
home undergoing therapy,
Jack and Esther's daughter
arrives with her four-year-old
for what was supposed to be a
brief visit. Their daughter an-
nounces that she and her
husband are splitting up and
she needs a place to stay with
the child. Their daughter is not
emotionally or economically
independent enough to find
her own place to stay, at least
not now.
Jack and Esther are caught
in a bind. Do they give
Bubby's room to their
daughter and grandchild on a
temporary basis? On a per-
manent basis? Or not at all?
Do Jack and Esther decide to
take a second mortgage on
their condo so that they can
get their daughter on her feet
and get them out of the house,
regardless of whether, or
when, Bubby comes back
from the nursing home?
Should Jack and Esther
consider working part-time so
that they can help Bubby with
her medical bills, or so that
they can see that their
youngest grandchild doesn't
go without anything that she
needs?
Jack and Esther wrestle with
these options, but don't know
what to do. Finally, they seek
counseling.
Many people who provide
the service of counseling will
tell you that there's no "right"
solution to a dilemma like this,
and I'm going to tell you the
same thing. What's important
here is not just who's living
where, but what are the feel-
ings of Jack and Esther, other
than confusion? Are they
angry, guilty, depressed,
embarrassed, or just plain
exhausted? Do they have a
combination of some of thse
feelings? Maybe even all of
these feelines? How are thev
dealing with the feelings that
they have?
Sometimes people come to
counseling with no idea of
what the solution to the
problem is, and we help them
make decisions. Sometimes
people come to counseling
after they've made a decision
and there's almost no turning
back. We help them deal with
their feelings after they've
made that decision, and we
help them deal with the conse-
quences.
In either case, counseling
can be an important tool in
helping a person, or in the case
of Jack and Esther, help a
family, face very difficult
questions.
(The Jewish Family and
Children's Service of Palm
Beach County, Inc., is a non-
profit agency designed to meet
the social, emotional and
counseling needs of the Jewish
community of Palm Beach
County. Our office is located
at 2250 Palm Beach Lakes
Blvd., Suite 104. Our tele-
phone number is 684-1991.
The Jewish Family and
Children's Service is a bene-
ficiary agency of the Jewish
Federation of Palm Beach
County).
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