Page 8
The Jewish Floridian of Tampa
Friday. December 24 i
Woman s Fate
Is It to Wait For Him to Call?
By BARBARA PASH
Copyright Ball, more Jewish Times
Reprint by Special Arrangement
He said he'd call, and he
didn't. There could be any
one of several reasons why.
He forgot. He worked late.
He had a car accident. He
fell in love with another
woman.
"Why do women always think
it's thatf. the last reason, asked
psychologist Penelope Russian
off. At a Johns Hopkins lecture
series. Dr. Russianoff sketched
her message of "undependence,"
the theme of her recently
published book, "Why Do I
Think I'm Nothing Without A
Man."
THE BOOK'S catchy title
alone would have drawn a crowd.
But Dr. Russianoff, a Baltimore
native who now lives in New
York City, has become something
of a guru to single women,
starting with her role a few years
back in the movie, "An Unmar-
ried Woman." as Jill Clay burgh's,
sympathetic psychiatrist and
continuing with the lecture cir-
cuit. TV and radio talk shows,
and interviews in newspapers
and. proof of celebrity status.
"People" magazine.
So the faithful or curious
turned out in force, a polite,
multi generational mob from
jeans-clad students to fa-
shionably fall-suited matrons, the
smattering of men (six, to be
exact) conspicuous by their
presence.
Dr. Russianoff. a tall, angular
woman with grey-streaked dark
hair who has a private practice as
well as being a faculty member at
the New School for Social
Research softened her sharp mes-
sage with a witty manner.
IN THESE supposedly en-
lightened times, according to Dr
Russianoff, sophisticated and
successful, albeit single, women
continue to act as though they
were heroines in a Gothic novel.
They pin romantic dreams on a
man whose greatest goal is likely
to be no entanglements. When he
disappoints their impossible ex-
pectations, they are devastated,
interpreting it as a defect in
themselves.
Dr. Russianoff sees a lot of this
kind of behavior in her practice,
comprised in good portion of suc-
cessful, single career women.
"When you scratch the surface."
she said, "many of these women
feel empty and alone without a
man. They feel they haven't
won" in life, that they are defec-
tive because they don't have a
man."
Women will deny this empty
feeling, or they will acknowledge
the feeling but deny the cause.
"But then they fear buying a
house because 'he' may come
along and not like it," Dr.
Russianoff continued, "or they
don't want to get too involved in
their careers because 'he' may
come along and they'll have to
move."
SOME WOMEN even deny
themselves the pleasures of life
because they don't have a man to
accompany them to the theater or
a restaurant. "One woman told
me. after a vacation at the beach,
that she couldn't enjoy the lovely
sunsets because she didn't have a
lover to enjoy them with," said
Dr. Russianoff. outragad at such
foolishness. "That's ridiculous.
You've got eyes, the sunset U
there."
Dr. Russianoff lays the blame
for this behavior squarely on two
shoulders. Centuries of brain-
washing by society," she cites
one reason, and the other
"women accepting the role of
being inferior to men.
Even Dr. Russianoff could not
escape society's brainwashing,
and she had what would now be
considered a "feminist" upbring-
ing. Her father, a Hopkins pro-
fessor, and her mother, a career
woman, encouraged her to pursue
a profession and through it,
financial independence.
YET AS A young girl growing
up, she related, her major aim
was to become a sex object
despite her almost six foot
height. "I had a fantasy life you
wouldn't believe even though I
went to a Country Day School.
and there were no men around."
It was also dear to the young
Dr. Russianoff that, as she
remembers, "I was doomed to be
an old maid" notwithstanding
her mother's reassurance that
women as tall as she did indeed
get married.
Society's message, she sum-
marized, "was you are only
successful if some man wants to
take care of you. In other words,
be sweet and clean and pretty,
nice and not fat and dumb."
THE MESSAGE had a dire
side, too, "that it's dreadful to be
alone. Why." Dr. Russianoff
shuddered, "you might even die
alone although that always
puzzled me because if you're
dead, presumably you don't care
anymore."
Despite the progress women
have made in recent years in
various areas, society is sending
the same message and. Dr. Rus-
sianoff contends, women con-
tinue to buy it. "Men are
validated by their achievements
in work, in sports," she argued.
"Women are still validated by
getting a man and by being sue-
cesfully married.
Now, women have an added
burden. They are up against odds
decidedly unfavorable. Half of all
marriages in the United States
end in divorce. Men die at an
earlier age than women. Just in
New York City, it has been es-
timated there are a million more
single women of marriageable
age, roughly 16 to 60, than com-
parable single men.
"IT IS characteristic of women
to get depressed," Dr. Russianoff
observed, "because they don't
have a pool of eligible bachelors
and they don't have meaningful,
exciting work that absorbs
them."
But some women are fighting
back, a move Dr. Russianoff
applauds. You don't have to sit
home feeling sorry for yourself. If
you've got only one life to live,
she suggests, sounding like a
Clairol commercial, you might as
well enjoy it. "Women are finding
resources they never thought of
before." She points out specific
examples.
Female friends are an impor-
tant resource. "Female friendship
has been pooh-poohed. In our
culture, men are jealous of female
friendships. The will say, 'we're
married now. I'm your best
friend.' But you shouldn't give
up your female friends when you
marry. The fact is, women enjoy
their friendships. Women can
laugh and cry with each other.
Women friends are nonjudge-
mental."
AN EQUALLY important re-
source is platonic male friend-
ships. These may be harder to
form than female friendships, she
noted, "because sex is expected
in relationships now. After three
dates, women think, if he hasn't
attacked me yet, he must not
think me attractive. Men know
women are thinking this, and
they feel they are beiiv, judged.
It messes up platonic relation-
ships."
Another resource would be to
have exciting, meaningful work
"i80t when you jump out of bee
in the morning, it's because you
have something to look forward
to." .she said, adding "hopefully,
your work pays money, because
in our society financial independ-
ence has a special aura." Should
your livelihood depend on a
drudge of a job, an alternative is
to find an exciting, meaningful
hobby.
The next step on the road to
"un-dependence" involves
nothing less than changing your
way of thinking about yourself.
Women tend to be hard on
themselves, "constantly scolding
themselves with an endless list of
'I should have-shouldn't have' 
worn that dress, stayed home for
the phone call, made that com-
ment, gone to that party," Dr.
R uss ianof f said.
INSTEAD OF accentuati. ...
the negatives, exaggerated or im-
agined, in your life, she advised,
"evaluate yourself realistically.
That's not being narcissist.
Discuss things with yourself out
loud you'd better to this when
you're alone."
Furthermore, she said, when
you are with a man, or another
woman, overcome the inclination
to focus on yourself. "Women are
raised to think about themselves,
the physical impression they
make. How do I look? How's my
hair, my outfit? Rather than
looking inward, force yourself to
pay attention to the other per-
son."
But there are more important
aspects to Dr. Russianoff's
message than the ability to be a
good conversationalist, to appear
interested in and pleased with a
man. "Whatever you can do to
feel good about yourself, do it,"
she said, getting to the heart of
the issue. "But don't give that
responsibility to make you feel
good about yourself to another
person. Don't pivot your feeling
of self-worth around a man."
JUST AS she asks women to
look at themselves realistically,
Dr. Russianoff asks women to
view men the same way. In Vic-
torian times, women were trained
to act helpless, to faint at the
bumps in life. "Men aren't inter-
ested in rescuing ladies anymore.
These days, they are interested in
surviving," she observed.
Women who assign roles to a
man, then feel disappointed by
the man's not fulfilling his role
have set up barriers to a realistic
relationship. "Women also
impute wonderful qualities to a
man that he may not have," she
added.
"Women will think, he should
know it's my birthday and if he
doesn't do anything about it, I'll
feel hurt." Or take phone calls
which. Dr. Russianoff continued,
 tele5! CfSudb i
c i E C 1 C 0| i Gourmet Fresh Coffees nd Epicurean Fresh Bread mponum Croissants, taturing Freshly mode .rooked Fish, pasta. Fresh keostof Caviars. Fine Ihicksn, Wins rurto. Boutique. hMMS, Food Baskets m 7 eat 11 pm 7 coys o wart Ji7 ntMfOfti Avtnue 
Dr. Penelope Russianoff
"come up a lot in my practice. A
man says he'll call on a certain
night, and he doesn't. The
woman is hurt and angry.
"BUT HOW you react depends
on how you feel about yourself. If
your reaction to these situations
is to get angry, to feel hurt, then
you are seeing yourself as a
victim and that's a habit, a de-
structive pattern."
Habits can be broken, Dr.
sianoff said. Patterns of beh,
can be changed. To beam* _
dependent," she said, "yo^
got to risk changing, you've 
to risk changing, you've got I
change your social habits
yes, it is frightening. It's
fectly okay to feel scared,
don't let fear stop you."
All Publication Rights R,MnM \
f
Kosher Lunch Menu
Monday Veal Patty With Tomato Gravy, Blackeyed Peas,:
Collard Greens. Pineapple and Apricot Salad, Molasses Cookie,'
and Kye Bread
Tuesday Fish With Tartar Sauce. Green Peas, Summer
Squash, Orange Juice, Strawberry Gelatin With Fruit CockUil
and Whole Wheat Bread
Wednesday Beef-a-roni, Mixed Vegetables, Chopped
Spinach, Peaches and Whole Wheat Bread
Thursday Meat Loaf With Gravy, Okra and Tomatoes,
Mashed Potatoes, Yellow Gelatin With Fruit, Banana Cake, and
Whole Wheat Bread
JP
Famous for
Quality
Kosher
Food
Products
S5*^'
Now Available In
Tampa Bay Area
The Finest Quality Kosher Miot
Freezer Wrapped Meats In Consame
Sbe Package* For Your Home Frwar.
For Further Information, Write or Colt Collect
SPECIALTY FOOD SALES
5013 20th Ave. So.. St. Petersburg, FL. 33707
Joel and Ellen Goetz Ttl No. 321 -3847
Every Scrturday and Sunday the fabu-
lous "Fun Ships"* CarrvVale. Festtvale.
Mordi Gfas and Trapteale depart from
Miami and Los Angeles for exotic ports. Vir-
tually everything's included for one low
price of your cruise: eight meals and snocks
a day... a fuB gambling casino... live enter-
tainment nightly... dance bands... parties...
and dozens of shipboard octtvffles. You get
value no land vacation can matchl
Ships of Panamanon and Libenan Regatry